#1…On the Verge…May 2007

Have you ever felt like you were on the verge?…of a major change in your life?…on the verge of either really breaking down…or really, finally, breaking through? The morning came too quick, always does. (And probably just to specifically irritate the hell out of me.) I am able to judge my mood before I open my eyes. I am feeling blue. This means I will have to work extra hard today to be functional. There is no reason for my blueness that I care to offer you at this time. (We’ve only just met after all.) Nonetheless, I roll out of bed, opening my eyes just enough to give myself a look of disgust in the mirror. Today I will evaluate my current life circumstances. Today, I will make efforts to change. No…really. This time…I’m serious. I look deep into my brown eyes. I am 28 years old; I wait tables; I live with my parents; I have no college degree. I am 5 foot 3 and weigh 202 pounds, give or take 5 pounds (mostly give). God, how the hell did I wind up here? I move quickly, knowing that the self-deprecation and tears are of no use at this point. When you’re on the verge you have to move quickly because anything can give at anytime. I dress in my elastic-waist pants and extra large t-shirt. I don’t bother with make-up. Today is my first Weight Watchers meeting. Today, I have put off for years…today, I dread. I have always been “the fat one”…pretty face, funny, smart…”the fat one.” I live my life by the credo of “I’ll do it when I lose weight…needless to say I haven’t gotten much done. To get my “new life” off on the right start, I have reluctantly decided to get rid of my beloved Marlboro lights, beer, and late night Whataburger. Drastic times…Oh, but how will I survive without my morning power breakfast of Dr. Pepper and cigs? I’ll just have to worry about how I am going to land later…today, I am just going to jump…

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