#6…The Ex-Files…October 2007

I had been trying to save for a laptop. I’ve always felt that this would legitimize me as a writer. However, financially, my boyfriend and I are in a slump. With my 29th birthday lurking in the shadows I’d been filled with anxiety. Then on a seemingly innocent trip to one of my old haunts an old friend volunteers a bit of gossip about my ex…he and his wife are expecting their third kid. Thus, opening the ragged Pandora’s shoebox in my brain labeled “ex” files. It wasn’t just any ex though. You know the one. The one that, even though you broke it off, still left you exhausted, wasting the days away floating between sobbing on the living room floor, downing liters of whiskey, and resorting to one night stands to avoid spending the night alone. Our relationship should have been over in the first two weeks when he cheated on me with a hot, young “friend” of mine with long hair and big boobs. But I stayed. And four tedious years later, when it was finally over, without blinking, within a matter of days, he moved in with an ex stripper and her kid and within months they were having their own kid. And three long soul searching years later, I feel the hurt rising up. I remember his drunken nights spent spitting in my face and I can hear him calling me a fat whore. He never believed in me and I never believed in myself. Just when I begin to feel overwhelmed with hurt, anger, and regret my current boyfriend, happy and beautiful, hands me a slightly worn black case, (my birthday present), inside is a used lap top (he had secretly been saving up), and said, “I am giving you this because I believe in you and your writing.” I smile as I secretly forgive the ex…and I say a quick prayer for his new family. Sometimes the only way to reach your peak is to claw your way through the valley…165 pounds…my weight is still the same, but I am different…and now I have a laptop…(cue: Bad Mamma Jamma)…

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