#7…Mulligrumps…November 2007

I had been throwing around ideas of ways to effectively let you in on a bit of me. I wanted to make it great for you, elaborate and witty, with just the right amount of comedic tragedy to avoid sounding whiny and self-indulgent.  That’s when it hit me, I would just throw it all out on the table.  I was about nine or ten when I began staying up at night with an overwhelming concern for the problems of the world and I would be smothered by a great sadness.  It was then I really began to fear the night, the darkness, the quiet of it all.  I was about 25 when I  realized that not everyone has a good cry everyday on the way to work, or school, or wherever…not normal people at least.  I was 26 when I began a desperate quest to become normal, 28 when I realized there is no normal, and it was about an hour ago when I finally made peace with this.  Sometimes I feel sad, incredibly, hopelessly sad.  Most times I cry…because of commercials, or the homeless, or a really good piece of chocolate.  This past month was rough.  I lost a few in the beginning (161.4) then gained…(164.2).  (I hadn’t seen the inside of the gym in weeks.)…Panic… “What if I gain all the weight back?” Just when i finally have it all together…the package bursts open once again and the “mulligrumps” (as a friend likes to call this mood) attack and begin to pull me down like cement shoes in the middle of the Hudson. My head fills with the thought to quit and settle…settle with my weight and my career and my life.  As I speed to the nearest pale ale and shot of Patron, I swerve into a swift left, and end up in a familiar place…the darkest seat in the largest church in town.  And the message is meant just for me.  My mind slows down, and I remember my  strength. I take a deep breath, and as I walk back out I throw on my shades, toss my hair, and force myself back to the gym…

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